Protected: Brenda and Bev: password is name of your lake ( all lower case)

This post is password protected. To view it please enter your password below:

Password:

he’ll be just fine

I am from four seasons
Rainy spring, dry summers
Colorful falls, Snowy winter
From ocean cliffs
Fisherman
Lobster
I am from pine trees
Blueberry fields and poison ivy
Chickadees
From Mountains
Dirt roads, muddy trails
Spring fed lakes

I am from family
From swimming, laughing
Honesty and generosity
Love
I am from dirty fingernails
ripped jeans and handshakes
Long car rides, card games
and hard work
From heavy foods
Light Hearts
I am from kilts and bagpipes

I am from pilots
explorers
From camping
smores and fire
spider dogs
I am from spooky stories
raccoons, bats
From long walks
No map.

I am from love
Mountains
- Maine

~ Daeden

This was written for his English class yesterday.

 

resolution

I just had myself a fantastic conversation with gretchen. About the whole storm that has been circulating in my stomach abuot the events that transpired over the past few days.

This is what we decided we will do.

The monies that I had calcualted as  NEED for Daeden will be applied to his living expenses, fees, braces, etc. Then, with the additional money ( money that I hadn’t thought would be coming, but will be) will be split into three categories.

Spend/ Save/ Give

Money in Daedens hand:  To be used for whatever he sees fit. (maybe some stuff for his new baby sister, a trip to the mall, the guys ringing the bell at walmart at Christmas time. . .)

Money in the bank: A certain percentage he HAS to save.

Give: to this place. . . . . . . KIVA.  Helping people all over the world with micro loans. He can pick the type of thing he would like to support ( these are very small amounts for some people) and they will pay him back. . . . . .

As Gretchen put it. . .

Make the rock in your belly a stone that skips across a lake, with ripples affecting TONS of people.

off kilter

I went through all of my email threads last night between J and me. . just to see where things started to get a  hairy about the whole Child Support situation.

It seems as though the recent court date hasn’t settled well within my belly.

Not because I didn’t want to do  things the right way. . . not because I didn’t want all of Daedens ducks in a row for his future, but because I truly feel bad about how things went.

After digging through the email threads, I realized that I had asked for a little additional help with Daeds braces and band fees.. . .I recalculated the monthly necessities for Daeden, and came up with a number ~ and sent it over to J.  He pretty much told me “no way” in more words.  I told him that the law says that he needs to help with these things, and he said that it didn’t.  I did some research, and found that I was right.  I called a lawyer in Florida. They told me that they wouldn’t be able to help me, as they didn’t have jurisdiction over J. So I called a lawyer in Mass.  She told me what to do. So I did it.

Things moved rather quickly. . . . . .

I have guilt, and my soul doesn’t feel good about it. Not because I did anything wrong. I did exactly what I should do for Daeden.

I try to act tough, like I have this rugged “I will do this, dammit, this is the right thing to do, and this is how it is going to go, I will not have anyone dictate TO ME how things are going to go. .” but my insides are turning and spilling all over every part of my day.  You see, the court sided in Daeden’s favor. In a big way.   much bigger way than I had expected.  It must have felt like a club hitting J in the head, and there was this instant, when the decision had been reached that I felt validated. I felt as though I wasn’t going to be told by J how this was going to run anymore.  I wasn’t going to have to sit by and wait for him to stop, or provide less and less, I wasn’t going to have to worry about making ends meet for Daeden. I felt this ” THERE! THERE, how does it FEEL? How do YOU like being told how it will be done knowing there is nothing you can do to make it any other way”.

Then there was the guilt.

The ache in my belly has been pretty heavy.  It was more than what I felt was necessary.  I know that it is going to likely make things tight on his end. He is getting ready to have a baby. . . . .an innocent baby who needs stuff. Intellectually, I know that the right thing was done. I can tell myself, and try to justify it ten thousand ways. . . but my belly hurts, and it doesn’t feel right to me.  I don’t know why ~

I know, I am CERTAIN, that J loves Daeden.  He may or may not know how difficult it is to raise a child.  He may or may not know how truly expensive it is to raise a child.  But i KNOW that he loves his son.  I wasn’t trying to punish him.  I wasn’t. At least I HOPE in my heart of hearts that I wasn’t.  I hope that it wasn’t my anger and frustration that motivated me to take action against his stubbornness.  I hope that it was purely for Daeden that I did what I did.  I will come to terms with this, I’m sure.  RIght now. . right now I have yet to do that.

There are so many extenuating circumstances that make the whole thing entirely impossible to filter.

Too many people muddying up the process.

I worry about his wife, and his relationship that will be strained by this, knowing there is about to be a new baby brought into the picture. There is his son, who already exists, who has needs. There is Larry, who has been, and will always support Daeden.  I guess that this might feel easier to navigate if I was a single mother and Daeden wasn’t a member of a “whole family”. But he is. And he has been, and we have been doing ok making ends meet.  We have provided for him. . . it was tight with all of the things that Daeden needs.  It was getting tighter still.  But we could have DONE it? Then there is that “why should things be tight HERE, because Larry is a MAN and pays his bills, and pays for Daedens stuff? Why should this whole family go with Less because J has refused to see just how financially draining it is to have a teenager? ” The flip to that argument is, “this has nothing to do with J. Daeden is MY son, and he is Larry’s son.  And families are TIGHT when they have a teenager.  And you just DO it. ” .

My head is a mess over this. My belly is a mess over this.

Maybe it’s because I feel in my heart that Daeden is Larry’s.  Larry has not complained once. . .not ONCE about shoveling out an additional 200/ month for band fees, 140 / month for braces, or 40 / month for his cell phone.  Or the increase in car insurance for a newly permitted driver. He said nothing about buying plane tickets to send Daeden up north to visit with his father.  He hasn’t said a peep about any of it. He wasn’t entirely on board with me taking this issue to court. He was worried that it may put a wedge in the relationship between Daeden and J.  He didn’t want any of it to hurt Daeden, in any way. BEcause he LOVES Daeden. He supports him, provides insurance for him, hands him money to go to Starbucks, and goes to the PTSA meeting when I don’t.  He got him involved with swimming, and met all of his teachers. He picked daeden up at the airport upon his return from his visit with his Dad and took him to Hooters at ten oclock at night. He is HIS son.  He loves him, and he just DOES for him.

I don’t know how I feel about any of this.

I DO know that Daeden loves his father. I also know that he loves Larry. I know that he loves being a part of our family. I know he is thriving, and strong, and smart, and beautiful. I didn’t need any money to make that feel more right.

Daeden asked me this morning how it went in court. . .( had given him enough information to know why I was going, and to assure him that I was doing this the legal way to make sure that it wasn’t a biased parent deciding something like that). I told him that he needed to know that I wasn’t expecting it to go the way it had, but that he had nothing to worry about.  I told him that the environment was tense and that I was worried that his father would be angry with him. . .because he was so angry at me.He told me that he called last night, and seemed fine.  But then he said, “Dad’s brother inlaw has to pay a LOT. He has 3 kids he has to pay child support for”.

I looked at Daeden and said, “he doesn’t HAVE to do anything Daeden. . . you JUST DO. You provide for your children.  Could you imagine Papa or Larry  saying they HAD TO PAY child support?”

He thought about it for a minute. . . .and I thought about it.

My son is learning how to be a man through all of this.  My son may be a father some day. He may have children who need braces and have a chance to go to Stonehenge. He will know that we make sacrifices to to see that our children have the same and more opportunities than what we had. He needs to know that it isn’t ok to hire a lawyer to try to intimidate and steamroll through this situation to cover his ass. To see to it that he has MORE and his children have less.

I guess that I jsut feel sad that he has to see that his own father doesn’t work that way.  I don’t want him to think that it’s because his father loves him less. . . I think his father loves him the best he knows how.  But it’s not how I want Daeden to Love.  I want Daeden to love so much that he takes the shirt off his back and gives it to strangers. I want him to love so much that it hurts.  I want him to go to bed at night, when he’s grown, knowing that he did what he could to make sure that his children have had what they need. I want him to know in his heart that at the end of each day he did everything that he could.

Because being an adult isn’t easy.

Because being a grown up means that sometimes we have to do things that make our heads and bellies spin.  Sometimes we go against our pride and do what is right for someone else.

Writing this has just taught me something.

I didn’t do this because it was right for me.

I did this because it was right for Daeden.

I will swallow hard and allow my belly and my head to feel out of sync.

I may be growing up. . . . . .

first step . . .

Today is the first court date in Mass. This is the one that J’s lawyer requested, to try to have the court date on Nov. 5th canceled.  He wants this to be moved to Florida.  So. . . I have submitted everything that I can, at this point, and am ok with whatever the court sees fit to do at this point. I just want it done~ I want it done by people who KNOW what they are doing. .

IE; not me or J.

I am not sure when I will find out what the next step is, but the hearing was scheduled for 8:30.  sighhhhhhhh ~ hurry up and wait.

I have to go to a ptsa meeting tonight, then scramble over to the football field to work concessions.   Then come home to help Daeden with his project on “a far way gone”.  Will be a late night for me. . .late night for Daeden.

I will put in a call to mass in the moring, I guess.

pit stomach for now. . .tired and a little overwhelmed.

because I am already going to hell . . .

In case you were looking for something to wear to the christmas party. .  .

These will not only add height, style and class. .  . but keep your outfit respectful of the reason we celebrate christmas. . . .the birth of  jesus.

 

useless information

just so you all know~ I’m really excited to get back home and see all of my family. I love and miss you all like crazy.

Had an interesting post on my facebook wall last night. Apparently Dad made another trip out of the house improperly dresses.  I guess he decided to wear TWO hats on his head. I guess this issue he has is getting worse. Last time it was a boto and a shoe to the hospital.  IS this what I have to look forawrd to? I mean, I cna smell this stuff happening to me, as well. . . .( ie, the whole wearing mens underwear to home depot, taking my remote control shopping in my purse)

Anyway. . . . I guess I shouldn’t judge. There is some silly expression about apples and trees and stuff that I couldwrite here. But I won’t.

prayer

I don’t talk about it that much.

I pray.

I pray a lot.

I need to ask all of you  to pray for the rights of our gay brothers and sisters. That they be treated as equals, and that the fear of homosexuality be put to rest. That there be something that enlightens people to see that God created us the way we are. Homosexuality is not a choice. I don’t care how many verses from the bible you put in front of me.

I know ~ I know.  I know. . . . . . .. . ..

Homosexuality is not a sickness until it is made into a sickness. WE have created that sickness. It’s time to let it go ~ pray that people can accept one another. Pray that all of God’s children be seen as equals. Please. . . ..

I will not ask you to bother God anymore~ just this once. It’s pretty important.

because the bible told me to, your honour

Deuteronomy 22

22:20 But if this thing be true, and the tokens of virginity be not found for the damsel:
22:21 Then they shall bring out the damsel to the door of her father’s house, and the men of her city shall stone her with stones that she die: because she hath wrought folly in Israel, to play the whore in her father’s house: so shalt thou put evil away from among you.

if you found out your wife wasn’t a virgin, put her to death

first time in a long time

So, I have been sooo incredibly busy.

Many things going on in my life. Just like everyone else, I guess.

Am getting ready to fly up north for a few days. have a court date on the 5th in Mass.  I’m reluctant to write too much about it, but please know that I am doing what I need to do to take care of my oldest child.  There are things that we have to do that aren’t very comfortable. . . . .I will play fair, and not discolse too much, but please know thatI am ready for this to be over. So, very, ready.  Daeden and I have talked a bit about what I am doing. It was important for me to make sure that he knew what i was doing, and WHY I was doing it.  There have been some harsh untertones in his dialogue with his father, and I needed to make sure that he knew where it was coming from. It’s coming from anger toward me. . .I can understand this, but regardless, I need to do what I need to do. I am not looking out for him and his wife. I am looking out for daeden. It hasn’t been easy, but we shal get through, jsut like we alwasy do. Regardless of the outcome, I will know that I have done whtever necessary for Daeden.

Anyway. . .court on the 5th ( well, at least I THINK there will be court on the 5th). You see, I got a letter from his lawyer a while back, requesting that my motion be waived.  Stating that this should be done In Florida. Implying that I was trying to be manipulative by going through Mass. . . which is ok. I don’t care what the lawyer or anyone else thinks.  I’m no shrinking volet, and I can take whatever is thrown at me. I just want done what needs to be done. . the way the law sees fit.  Not how I see fit, not how HE sees fit. . .not how the lawtyers see fit. The judge will decide if we should movce this to FLorida or not.  It’s irrelevant to me. I just didn’t want to have to wait an additional 6 months to get shit done…you remove a state from the equation, and you lessen the wait.  SO that’s where that sits. Lets hope that this isn’t pushed out any further, and I have court on the 5th. How’s that?

Work: work has been incredibly busy. Which is a GOOD thing.  I haven’t had much of a chance to do anything BUT work, but it’s good to rack up the hours.  I like my job, and I like the paycheck.  I don’t like getting behind on my laundry again, but that’s ok too.

Who am I kidding? My laundry would be behind regardless.

O much is giong on politically right now, that I don’t even know where to begin. So I won’t. Because I don’t feel completely informed~ and don’t want to say somethign stupid, that may or may not be true. I like to KNOW the reason I feel the way I feel. . .I’m kind of on the fence right now.

One issue, that I will never waiver on is the whole gay rights thing.

To think that we, as mere mortals, have the right to decide whether or not people can or cannot get married, or be open about whom they love, or be in a postiion to be able to make end of life decisions for. . .blows my mind. TO me, it seems like such a nonissue. . .It just blows my mind.  The bible. . .people use the BIBLE to justify their hate.

I was raised in a church. . long enough to be able to rattle of the books of the bible by memory. . .I know the popcorn song, I know that I was taught that I was not perefct. I know that I was taught to love. . . ..

I don’t remember being taught to discriminate.  Maybe that was just that ONE god, in that one very small church, in that one very small town, in a very small province.

I don’t have it in me to see the wrong in homosexuality. I do not FEEL it is wrong. If, there is a GOD who had anything to do with the bible. . .why did he/she think it was ok to own other people? WHy did he/she think it was ok for women to be treated as lesser? Why did he/she think it was not ok to love all of gods children? Why did he/she think it was ok to discriminate? I’m thinking that the not so perfect man, who transcirbed whatever it was he heard may have not been so objective with this inforamtion. Perhaps there may be a bit of a slant. . you know, because he isn’t perfect when he writes this shit down.  Maybe there are some flaws in there. . . .

My God, my very powerful God does not think any of His/Her children should suffer. He/She created all of us.  He/She isn’t testing anyone.  He/She loves and wants us to love. . ..LOVE.  TO stay true to who we are, who we were born to be.  I will be true to myself. I promise. Without influence. I am listening. I will do what Ican so that others are allowed to remain true to themselves.

I have a choice to be married or not. . . . .I choose not to get married. I choose to live a life without marriage.  I am not so rare.  There is a part of me that feels bad that I have not made the choice to be married. . . .because there are so many people who would LOVE to get married, and can’t. But, I will say. . .I am where I am, right here, right now, with Larry because I want to be. I have nothing holding me here, except for my love for him and my desire to be a part of this beautiful family.  It’s a wonderful feeling. He is here, with me, because he wants to be.

There are others who feel differently about the written commitment. . . . .

How come, the people who are so anti-government think that the government should have rules over marriage?

It makes no sense to me. . .. .

You know what DOES make sense to me?

I’m flying up north in a bit to see my family. To crawl in bed next to my mom. . .to give my dad a big hug ~ maybe go for a snowy ride on his fancy pants scooter. Eat their food ~ smell their smells. . .. .  feel good about the fact they they raised me to be who I am. . .to be in a small spec of my world where there is not hate, and no discrimination. . . Just love. Just a whole lot of love.

I miss all of you, and can’t wait to get home ~