I went through all of my email threads last night between J and me. . just to see where things started to get a hairy about the whole Child Support situation.
It seems as though the recent court date hasn’t settled well within my belly.
Not because I didn’t want to do things the right way. . . not because I didn’t want all of Daedens ducks in a row for his future, but because I truly feel bad about how things went.
After digging through the email threads, I realized that I had asked for a little additional help with Daeds braces and band fees.. . .I recalculated the monthly necessities for Daeden, and came up with a number ~ and sent it over to J. He pretty much told me “no way” in more words. I told him that the law says that he needs to help with these things, and he said that it didn’t. I did some research, and found that I was right. I called a lawyer in Florida. They told me that they wouldn’t be able to help me, as they didn’t have jurisdiction over J. So I called a lawyer in Mass. She told me what to do. So I did it.
Things moved rather quickly. . . . . .
I have guilt, and my soul doesn’t feel good about it. Not because I did anything wrong. I did exactly what I should do for Daeden.
I try to act tough, like I have this rugged “I will do this, dammit, this is the right thing to do, and this is how it is going to go, I will not have anyone dictate TO ME how things are going to go. .” but my insides are turning and spilling all over every part of my day. You see, the court sided in Daeden’s favor. In a big way. much bigger way than I had expected. It must have felt like a club hitting J in the head, and there was this instant, when the decision had been reached that I felt validated. I felt as though I wasn’t going to be told by J how this was going to run anymore. I wasn’t going to have to sit by and wait for him to stop, or provide less and less, I wasn’t going to have to worry about making ends meet for Daeden. I felt this ” THERE! THERE, how does it FEEL? How do YOU like being told how it will be done knowing there is nothing you can do to make it any other way”.
Then there was the guilt.
The ache in my belly has been pretty heavy. It was more than what I felt was necessary. I know that it is going to likely make things tight on his end. He is getting ready to have a baby. . . . .an innocent baby who needs stuff. Intellectually, I know that the right thing was done. I can tell myself, and try to justify it ten thousand ways. . . but my belly hurts, and it doesn’t feel right to me. I don’t know why ~
I know, I am CERTAIN, that J loves Daeden. He may or may not know how difficult it is to raise a child. He may or may not know how truly expensive it is to raise a child. But i KNOW that he loves his son. I wasn’t trying to punish him. I wasn’t. At least I HOPE in my heart of hearts that I wasn’t. I hope that it wasn’t my anger and frustration that motivated me to take action against his stubbornness. I hope that it was purely for Daeden that I did what I did. I will come to terms with this, I’m sure. RIght now. . right now I have yet to do that.
There are so many extenuating circumstances that make the whole thing entirely impossible to filter.
Too many people muddying up the process.
I worry about his wife, and his relationship that will be strained by this, knowing there is about to be a new baby brought into the picture. There is his son, who already exists, who has needs. There is Larry, who has been, and will always support Daeden. I guess that this might feel easier to navigate if I was a single mother and Daeden wasn’t a member of a “whole family”. But he is. And he has been, and we have been doing ok making ends meet. We have provided for him. . . it was tight with all of the things that Daeden needs. It was getting tighter still. But we could have DONE it? Then there is that “why should things be tight HERE, because Larry is a MAN and pays his bills, and pays for Daedens stuff? Why should this whole family go with Less because J has refused to see just how financially draining it is to have a teenager? ” The flip to that argument is, “this has nothing to do with J. Daeden is MY son, and he is Larry’s son. And families are TIGHT when they have a teenager. And you just DO it. ” .
My head is a mess over this. My belly is a mess over this.
Maybe it’s because I feel in my heart that Daeden is Larry’s. Larry has not complained once. . .not ONCE about shoveling out an additional 200/ month for band fees, 140 / month for braces, or 40 / month for his cell phone. Or the increase in car insurance for a newly permitted driver. He said nothing about buying plane tickets to send Daeden up north to visit with his father. He hasn’t said a peep about any of it. He wasn’t entirely on board with me taking this issue to court. He was worried that it may put a wedge in the relationship between Daeden and J. He didn’t want any of it to hurt Daeden, in any way. BEcause he LOVES Daeden. He supports him, provides insurance for him, hands him money to go to Starbucks, and goes to the PTSA meeting when I don’t. He got him involved with swimming, and met all of his teachers. He picked daeden up at the airport upon his return from his visit with his Dad and took him to Hooters at ten oclock at night. He is HIS son. He loves him, and he just DOES for him.
I don’t know how I feel about any of this.
I DO know that Daeden loves his father. I also know that he loves Larry. I know that he loves being a part of our family. I know he is thriving, and strong, and smart, and beautiful. I didn’t need any money to make that feel more right.
Daeden asked me this morning how it went in court. . .( had given him enough information to know why I was going, and to assure him that I was doing this the legal way to make sure that it wasn’t a biased parent deciding something like that). I told him that he needed to know that I wasn’t expecting it to go the way it had, but that he had nothing to worry about. I told him that the environment was tense and that I was worried that his father would be angry with him. . .because he was so angry at me.He told me that he called last night, and seemed fine. But then he said, “Dad’s brother inlaw has to pay a LOT. He has 3 kids he has to pay child support for”.
I looked at Daeden and said, “he doesn’t HAVE to do anything Daeden. . . you JUST DO. You provide for your children. Could you imagine Papa or Larry saying they HAD TO PAY child support?”
He thought about it for a minute. . . .and I thought about it.
My son is learning how to be a man through all of this. My son may be a father some day. He may have children who need braces and have a chance to go to Stonehenge. He will know that we make sacrifices to to see that our children have the same and more opportunities than what we had. He needs to know that it isn’t ok to hire a lawyer to try to intimidate and steamroll through this situation to cover his ass. To see to it that he has MORE and his children have less.
I guess that I jsut feel sad that he has to see that his own father doesn’t work that way. I don’t want him to think that it’s because his father loves him less. . . I think his father loves him the best he knows how. But it’s not how I want Daeden to Love. I want Daeden to love so much that he takes the shirt off his back and gives it to strangers. I want him to love so much that it hurts. I want him to go to bed at night, when he’s grown, knowing that he did what he could to make sure that his children have had what they need. I want him to know in his heart that at the end of each day he did everything that he could.
Because being an adult isn’t easy.
Because being a grown up means that sometimes we have to do things that make our heads and bellies spin. Sometimes we go against our pride and do what is right for someone else.
Writing this has just taught me something.
I didn’t do this because it was right for me.
I did this because it was right for Daeden.
I will swallow hard and allow my belly and my head to feel out of sync.
I may be growing up. . . . . .
